im venting and journaling online bear with me

Im having a hard day today...well hard past few weeks. I was told by a friend to start journaling so here it is online. I found out today my mothers cause of death. It was accidental oxycontin/diphenhydramine(benadryl) abuse/overdose. I was obviously upset. I now find myself angry. I cant pinpoint at exactly who. Im kinda angry at my mom as sad as that is. She was a nurse who should have known better. Im mad at the doctor who prescribed it to her, im mad at people at home with her not monitoring what she was taking. Im mad at myself for not paying attention when she seemed "high" on the phone. My mother had a prescription drug addiction problem years back and has struggled with pain and addiction for many years. So I would think that her doctor knowing this would not have knowingly put her on oxycontin...the most highly addictive drug there is. She herself knew this too. Its so easy to OD on this too its scary. Kids on the street are dying from accidental OD's of this drug. so why then I ask is it ok to give to my mom, who had a history of narc abuse in the first place. She also had underactive thyroid, curvature of the spine, gallbladder disease and bladder issues all of which are listed as "dont take if you have these issues" section. Im just so angry. Im sad that I cannot fix it. Im sad and upset that this all could have been prevented. 'If only I had...." i cant sleep at night, im anxious all of the time, stressed to my limit and just plain spent. I want it to stop. I want my normal life back, my happy life back where im not crying all of the time, excited to see my kids after school, glad to make dinner for my family and enjoy intimate time with my husband. I feel like my life is in slow motion if not halted all together. I know none of what I think or do will change anything or bring her back which in itself is frustrating so now what...what do I do? I feel like jumping ontop of a mountain and yelling for people to pay attention to your health....watch what you take...ask questions...and for doctors to please give a damn about their patients. Know who they are, take the time to care and look at their history. Stop handing out pill after pill to mask the issue...find out what the real issue is!!!!!! so many people in healthcare just dont care anymore about other people...why is it like this? what happened to compassion in this world? why does noone give a crap??? in the past year my mom had surgery, dropped on her back, pushed into a direction forcefully because the xray tech was in a hurry which broke her sacrum which led to another surgery(redo), which led to nurses on the floor ignoring her pain, doctors blowing off her pain, more pills and more pills and the bladder issues from nerve damage still gone untreated...just gave more pills, making my mother left to feel even more hopeless and in pain which has eventually lead to this...taking more than she should have to ease her pain and now shes gone,,,too much oxycontin lead to respiratory failure which led to cardiac arrest which lead to death at 57. Leaving behind a family in shock, and in sadness. A girl now with no parents(me) 2 little girls with no grandmother, a husband with no wife and my grandmother at 84 now without one of her children. It all just makes me crazy. How can I make my mind stop just going over it? does it get easier? and could someone please pray that this will all get easier for me?
ok sorry to be so gloomy i had to journal it out....get it off my mind , off my chest...so here it is...

siskel and Bindus

Wow Craig and I watched the Bucket list lastnight on DVD. What a great, touching, thought provoking movie. It really correlates with the book im reading 1 month to live. Im sitting here thinking to myself whats on my bucket list? I will have to get back to you on this and let you know when I have made my list...which, like theirs will always be added to. Do you have a bucket list? Why not start one now...why wait til you are told you're dying?

We also watched Nims Island with the girls. It was very cute! Craig didnt say much but Maddie, Abbey and I loved it. It had such great imagination. Really makes you understand how your imagination can run wild when you read a book. I know mine does! I love getting so into a book that I can picture myself there and just cannot put a book down!!

Next movie...300. we havent seen it yet and the scenes at church last week made us want to watch it!...oh and pineapple express too...

my thoughts as well...

Sunday our pastor Terry couldnt have said it better...satan is pissed(well that wasnt his word but yaknow...) and is attacking us everywhere. Dont be surprised if you are attacked...put your armor on and be ready to fight back with the shield of GOD. He also mentioned he has not heard of so many family crisis's all at once as what is happening at the river families now. I have to agree...everytime I turn around I hear another story of a divorce, death, loss of a job, terminal illness, and financial struggle. My family has been hit pretty hard in a few areas. All i can say is love your life for what you have, who your with and appreciate all of the blessings GOD has given you. Tell people how you feel and love them! You never know when it may be gone just like that. You never know when Satan will attack and you or someone you know may lose that battle. We need to pray all of the time for protection over our marriages, our children, our homes and all of our decisions in everyday life. I will pray this prayer for all of my friends and also some who may not be also!